To hold open, or not hold open? That is the question

Is chauvism dead?

I write. A lot. It’s sort of a habit. The majority of it is published on here. Some of it sits gathering technological dust on my laptop, but all of my stories end up being discussed with someone. Usually my long-suffering housemates but no topic has ever provoked as much debate as this. The subject? Bags, doors and dinner.

It all began in the pub….where it was two very good male friends and I having a catch up. Somewhere between discussing long—distance relationships and Mark Lawrenson (and between my wine and G&T) we stumbled onto the topic of chivalry and what a) girls expect, and b) what guys think.

In this day and age when gender is supposed to be equal, we’re all students’ and all as skint as each other, do we split the bill? Do we hold doors open for each other? Do we carry bags?

The boys told me that they know when they take a woman to dinner, they feel they’re expected to buy dinner, and they didn’t like that level of expectation. Cut to male friend #3 who told me it would completely depend on the woman, and another, preceded it with “You want me to be honest?” (so I said yes) so he admitted he’d only buy dinner on the first date if he knew he was getting some. A survey I stumbled upon this week found that over half of men enjoy buying dinner for a woman (they didn’t publish the contrasting statistic.)

Meanwhile in the pub I said that I would not expect dinner bought, I mean free food would be lovely, but I sure as hell don’t expect it. The boys quaffed on their pints and told me I was definitely in the minority. I was then equally as shocked when my housemate admitted she actually does expect dinner to be bought for her. And there was the token fence sitter who said - it depended on the date.

Next? The question that Shakespeare posed 400 years ago - To hold open or not to hold open?

One of my closest male friends shocked me when he said he wouldn’t hold it open, “I’d go through and hold it for the other person to get through. Except if it was you, in which case I’d shut it in your face” (he’s a charmer girls, if this new-man attitude flicks your switch let me know, I’ll give you his number.)

Another said he didn’t really think he needed to, but probably would, and finally, Mr Ice Cold said ‘No, sod that, she can get it herself.’ I should tell you here that they’re all wonderful guys, who I love dearly and aren’t the Neanderthals this column makes them seem. 90% of men in said survey claim to hold doors open – apparently the guys I asked were all just in the other 10%.

The other two facts that were most interesting? ¾ of men interviewed would carry a heavy bag for a woman (this got unanimous response from my boys) and rather bizarrely, 1 in 3 interviewees claim to defend a woman’s honour on a regular basis (apparently, I hang out with the wrong boys). And that’s sort of the point. I love the idea of romance, and secretly, so do the boys I interviewed (I promise, they’re lovely – I wouldn’t impose them on womankind if they weren’t) but I think the stereotype of the guy having to be dominant is a bit out of date. I see myself as equal – equally clever, articulate and skint as my male friends, so why would they treat me any differently to their male mates?

And I’m not some sort of independence-loving feminist - I’m longing as much as the next girl for the big-Dirty Dancing/Sleepless in Seattle/Love Actually moment, but on a day to day basis I don’t keep a tally of romantic gestures from the opposite sex. I mean, I’d love a bunch of lilies to be delivered in the morning, but I don’t expect it, just as I’m sure a boyfriend of mine wouldn’t expect, but would love a cold beer thrust in his hand the second he walked in from work.

On the flip side, 77% of woman find it “attractive” if a man holds the door open for them and the same amount like their bag being carried.

If a friend holds the door open for me, that’s fab, and unless they actually slammed it in my face I wouldn’t hold it against them. I’m not a penny pincher, money works itself out, so I’ll buy the coffee, lunch, or cake, and one day over the next 60 years of me being friends with them they’ll do the same, so I’m more than happy to split or buy dinner, depending, and surely if you’re in a relationship with someone the same theory applies.

As for being on a date? Well, I guess it depends how it went – if there’s a spark, or you’ve enjoyed yourself and you can afford it – treat the lady, if not, you blokes are well within your rights to go halves, after all – unless she was on the Grapefruit diet, she did eat half the food.

1st date I will always buy dinner. If I have enjoyed myself then to say thank you and if it hasn't been that great then even if you won't be calling her again, you did buy her dinner so I think that means she owes you cordiality when you go through the awkward bumping into each other phase.

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• Thu, 24th Apr 2008 2:46pm - Edited by the author
• Thu, 24th Apr 2008 9:32pm - Edited by the author (less)

• Thu, 24th Apr 2008 9:32pm - Edited by the author (1 more)

"1 in 3 interviewees claim to defend a woman’s honour on a regular basis"

Translation: "1 in 3 interviewees get tanked up on a weekend and start a fight with an innocent stranger by uttering the phrase 'you lookin' at my bird?'"

I'd hold the door and offer to carry bags for any friend, regardless of their gender or whether I was dating them. As for paying for dinner, I think it does depend on the date. I'd be more than happy to although if the date knew that money was short for me, I'd maybe hope they'd offer to go dutch, even if I turned them down. But given that I could afford it, I like buying dinner and will almost always do so on a first date.

The thing that gets me is the minority of women who expect lavish gifts and everything paid for them all the time. Sure, I'll buy a present now and then but as a nice gesture (or to grovel when I fuck up), not because expect it's expected.

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I would buy you gifts ruth

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i agree with your friend.. i'd walk through the door and then hold it open for the person behind, be they male or female. good article, but looking forward to alpha male being a bloke next week!

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