Review: Kirstie's Vintage Christmas

Kirstie Allsopp, if you haven’t seen her shows before, has a range of programmes where she uses crafts to decorate her home or the homes of others. I thoroughly enjoyed her series last year where she made her already beautiful house into the epitome of Christmas. As a girl who is easily pleased by lovely furnishings and pretty kitchens, I loved her hand-made gifts and Christmas decorations. She basically had my ideal home. However, THIS programme was so boring that I kept flicking to Snow Babies on BBC One for a bit of light relief. The whole show was focused on creating a Victorian style Christmas party to invite all her crafter friends to. If I don’t see her house, I just get irritated. I saw one room of her house for the last five minutes of the programme for the party and that was it.

©Channel 4

The whole show was sickly sweet, even for me. I’ve decided that Kirstie is actually the wicked witch of Christmas. She has evil pointy eyebrows, which look constantly surprised at whatever craft she is doing, and she wears twee little aprons and cardigans, all to lure unsuspecting guests into her house with the help of gingerbread houses, sweets and homemade tree decorations. She invited a very nice man, with a family and everything, into the woods and gave him a chainsaw. Admittedly to chop down a Christmas tree, but still, it just isn’t right. He could have just gone to the local farm and bought one with very little violence and no chance of bloodshed.

Underneath all the glue and bits of material is an undercurrent of evil. That is the only explanation because no-one can be THAT excited by craft. She nearly exploded with delight at the making of a decoration which consisted of a polystyrene ball with buttons pressed into it, claiming “I wonder how I ever lived without it!” Very very easily is the answer. It was incredibly ugly. Turns out that if you make something, it doesn’t matter what it looks like because it was the “fun” of making it that really counts. Bring on the ugly decor!

The show culminates in her Victorian party which is a chance for Kirstie to show off like she has never shown off before. She invites her guests into a room which is dripping in Christmas from floor to ceiling: it is impressive but a strain on the eyes. The only thing in the room that I would make myself is the tea cup pies which are, funnily enough, pies which sit in convenient cups so you can walk about and eat pie. The pies were not amazing enough to endure sitting through the whole of the sugary sweet show though, so all in all I hope everyone watched Snow Babies instead. Kirstie is cute but she can’t compete with baby animals.

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